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How do I speak the Truth through my eating disorder and prescription substance abuse

What does my drug addiction say to the world? It says I need to escape my trauma. I need an easy button that catapults me out of my body into a numbed state of existence. Where the more I take the more I need to escape the feelings.

My truth is I'm a coward. People think I'm brave and courageous and yes, I love to play the hero role. Don't we all? I run and run and will go to any extremes to escape from the swamp of shame. We are only ever as sick as our secrets, so release them. They were never mine to hold!

I lie about my eating disorder and my drug addiction. In my shadow self I can charm a room full of people into believing I'm well. This mask is finally falling.

I'm told speaking the truth liberates you. It's terrifying and scary as all the egoic structures fall and burn in an almighty crash. Where you are left exposed, vulnerable and facing the hard truths.

Co-occurring eating disorders and drug addiction isn't a badge of honour, it's a disease that warps the mind, body and soul. Whatever the addiction of choice, it's all the same running from emotional pain. Whether its drugs, alcohol or food, the ego will always find those easy buttons life presents to run. Addiction is a place to hide from pain, trauma and the messy world of humanity. 

Whatever your truth is, speak it with words not addictive behaviours! Embrace the shadow, it's your greatest teacher. It will unveil the murky, dark, dense shadows of pain. The shadow side can break you but if you allow the light and dark to merge as one, it's your greatest ally. Ironic how the ego’s primary job is to protect but it can be the greatest downfall.

To be human is to fully experience all feelings. When you run from the dark you also run from the light. A very wise lady once told me let your heart break open. Four years later, I’m finally ready to listen to this wise nugget of gold.

As shame bursts through the peaceful hour of truth.

I fall in battered shock.

Where the illusion of denial shatters, burns and emerges into an open, exposed barren land.

Where the lonely hours turn into an imprisonment of existence.

Where darkness becomes the deadly soul mate to accompany me into the death of almighty intervention.

 

 

Phoenix Hogg - For my 19-year old self.

 

Phoenix now     Phoenix 2000

                 2020                                                            2000

 

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