What Recovery Means to Ruth
What Recovery Means to Ruth
"I say that I am in 'remission' rather than recovered."
We're gathering stories from the SWEDA community and beyond, inspired by the prompt #WhatRecoveryMeansToMe. We’re building this series as a resource: something for people affected by eating disorders to read, that can support them and inspire hope, or just hear that they are not alone. We also want to raise awareness about how recovery is not a fixed or 'one size fits all' concept: it's something unique to each person and their own hopes for a life in recovery from disordered eating.
Ruth, writes:
Recovery is a strange term. When you use the word ‘recovered’ people think that you are better. For me personally I’ll never see myself as ‘recovered’ or back to the person I was before this illness. Despite having gotten to the position of not having any disordered behaviours or thoughts most days, it still feels like a constant effort to maintain the status quo. So, when I describe where I am at I say that I am in ‘remission’ rather than recovered.
When I was at my most unwell my entire day was dictated by my illness. Although I tried really hard to still be there for my family, it overshadowed and often impacted everything we did. I was in the unfortunate position of needing hospital admissions due to my illness and on discharge I was very much institutionalised into the hospital routines. When I was able to not relapse on discharge these routines did keep me in a place of stability, but they still meant it was very difficult to let go of my illness. I was very specific around the times I could eat, couldn’t deviate from a plan, had to stick to similar meals and amounts to the hospital regime. I couldn’t allow myself to have a rest day or have something unscheduled that wasn’t on the plan. To some extent I think I was in a bit of denial about how much illness was controlling me, I was often anxious or distressed. I had set a weight point I wanted to get to, and constantly trying to stay around this number kept me stuck.
After a long time in this middle ground I slowly started removing rules and giving myself more freedom. I got rid of all of the items I was using to manage my food intake, monitor my body and track my exercise. Stopping trying to stay a certain weight gave me more flexibility around food and being a higher weight actually reduced my anxiety and helped me to think more clearly. No-one tells you how long it can take to feel okay with a body that has changed in remission, it took me a long time to feel okay with the sensory feeling of a changed body, but it’s now no longer something that crosses my mind on a daily basis.
Remission for me has meant enjoying tea and cake with my Mum, fully taking part in Christmas day without feeling envious of what others are eating, being able to enjoy having rest days without anxiety and guilt, attending my caving club Christmas underground meet up and eating the same as everyone else, not having family days out spoiled by physical side effects of being unwell and enjoying exercise in a healthy (and fuelled) way. Before I was unwell I really enjoyed outdoor swimming, getting to a place of remission has meant I can enjoy my hobby again without worrying about getting too cold.
On the flip side of this, what has been challenging is not having the illness to turn to as a coping mechanism. My illness started due to struggling with lots of change in my life, being able to respond to difficult life situations without restriction or overexercise can be a challenge as there are always changes in life. A relapse can begin by just one small choice in the wrong direction, so I have to be alert to unhelpful thoughts and look for alternative ways of coping, which have taken time to learn. I try to remind myself of what I have gained and what I don’t want to lose when those thoughts crop up.
I would end this by saying that recovery, remission, stability (or however you like to refer to it) is different for everyone. Sometimes all we can manage is to get through one day at a time and sometimes I think ‘recovery is possible’ can feel hard to hear if we are at a point of stability we are content with, with the illness still alongside us. Remission for me is being present in my life for myself and for those around me.
