What Recovery Means to Mel
What Recovery Means to Mel
What Recovery Means to Mel
We're gathering stories from the SWEDA community and beyond, inspired by the prompt “What Recovery Means to Me”. We’re building this series as a resource: something for people affected by eating disorders to read, that can support them and inspire hope, or just hear that they are not alone.
This month, Mel reflects on her experience of recovery, which for her has many layers:
"Recovery is always a word that I did not think was possible, as my eating disorder had been part of me for a long time, and I felt it was my whole life and identity,
As a girl, I always felt that I would be liked if I were slim and pretty, but here I was, at that place, and I was miserable. I blipped, lapsed, and relapsed so many times that it felt safer to stay where I was, but part of me yearned for that “normal life” not the constant tug-of-war between my eating disorder and me. I wanted to be able to have another child, eat with family, be free from my disordered thoughts and be me, but who was me? I didn’t know anymore.
Recovery was about finding me - that good enough person who deserves to reconnect and smile.
I didn’t realise that relapses were part of recovery, and however painful they were, they made me stronger. Everyone’s recovery is different, but for me it felt like a loss, a bereavement of something that was there for me. But when I unpacked it, the eating disorder was not a friend, but a critical partner I had grown out of.
It was so painful to look at why my eating disorder had started, but 8 years ago, I took the first steps of accepting that my eating disorder was part of me and to recover I was going to have retrain and rewire my thoughts and trust the process that my body and mind could nurture and care for me.
Recovery to me is layers. Trying to sort out everything in one go felt overwhelming so I took small steps and noted small wins, recognising when things didn’t go to plan.
Recovery to me was recognising I was good enough and that not everything needed to be perfect. Asking for help and talking about my feelings was a step in unpacking my locked-away emotions.
Recovery to me is being nurtured and kind to myself, listening to what I need and exploring myself and connecting with me again.
Recovery to me is recognising that I can never be totally in control, and I do have a choice. This feels conflicting as at the time it didn’t feel like I had one but giving myself the power to choose and let go and freeing.
Recovery to me is letting life change, as an eating disorder wants to keep you at the same size and wants to control you, I’m no longer scared of change and very much trust the purpose of life.
Recovery to me is being realistic that the ED is still there but in fact now, when I hear the voices its helpful, as I see it as a warning that I’m not looking after some part of me. It’s empowering that I haven’t acted on them for many years.
Recovery is being realistic about the challenges I faced and that some parts of my disordered thoughts were harder to chip away than others.
Recovery is recognising that it wasn’t always my fault and that I’m not always in the wrong , Recovery has given me a voice to put myself first and work on boundaries.
Recovery isn’t easy but over time that path that was miserable and felt like a vicious circle is not inviting anymore.
I know choose life and have enjoyment with my family where I used to push everyone away.
Recovery means to me that people will always have different opinions and not everyone will understand an eating disorder. But that’s ok because recovery is realising that my opinion is the most important to me.
Recovery means to me that just because one treatment did not work doesn’t mean I’m broken - recovery is finding the right support for me.
Recovery has given me the tools to help others but most importantly help myself. I have a new path where I face my emotions and don’t block them out. This enables me to flourish and grow but I no longer want to erase my ED. Over time the thoughts have got less but reflecting back now I can see why I had an eating disorder and if I could say anything to that girl who was me, it would be that “you are enough just the way you are”.