Creative Pages

Sit upons

Seats, chairs, benches and sofas. To you these may be items of supportive even comforting furniture. To me they can be items of measurement, judgement and worthiness. Every time I have to negotiate sitting down I can find I am too huge (and yet invisible) to be acceptable in society.

In cafes, restaurants, pubs not only should I not eat (because I am fat) but I have to squeeze into tiny places, chairs with arms, benches screwed into position so only a certain size person is acceptable.

In the cinema or theatre I cringe and endeavour to make myself smaller, covered in shame for my oozing flesh creeping into my neighbour’s space if I dare to relax.

Public transport – cars, buses, trains, coaches, planes oh the guilt for taking up too much room, and the filthy looks.

Toilets become a place of embarrassing size torture as cubicles are often so small I can only just wipe myself properly.

Changing rooms in stores, the gym or swimming pools so tiny I can barley change with any dignity.

Even church pews and confessionals can exclude the larger person.

At friends’ homes their 3 seater sofa becomes only for 2, their 2 seater for 1, me alone. People are so scared of being close to, or of touching, flab as if it is something catching.

Memories through the years of taunts and jeers.

Adults, society, the media teach us to bully and ostracise people and children learn by example.

Swings, slide and fair ground rides cutting into soft flesh.

Horse rides refused because of my size. My grief at my ever-decreasing lap that children find increasingly hard to perch on for a hug.

All these things make it hard to want to be in the world.

You may think with all this I would do something about my size, diet, exercise, pull up my socks, use willpower.

Don’t you think if it was that easy I would have already done it? This isn’t about diets and exercise, it’s about love and hate and acceptance.

Seats, chairs, benches and sofas. Items of comfort and support?

OR

Instruments of punishment, of social sizest torture?

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